Moving on, letting go

Before I start off this post, I’d like to thank all of my readers for sticking with me. Your support means the world and thrives me to keep on writing. It amazed me how so many people started following me, even though I hadn’t posted anything in months. Thank you ♥

Now, let’s get to the point. There is a short story I’d like to tell you though before coming to what I really want to get of my chest.

About a year and three months ago I lost one of my best friends. Don’t worry, she didn’t die, we drifted apart due to a fight over the most ridiculous things. I’m not going to go into dept about this, simply because I want to protect my privacy and hers, even though I’m not sure she deserves it.

Long story short, my friends and me got into a silent fight with this girl. During the year preceding the ‘break up’ there had been lots of troubles that continuously drifted us further apart. I’m not very good with speaking my emotions out loud, but everything simply flows out when I write. So I wrote her a letter. It was fine for a while, I even tried my best to make things right again and move on, but then at the start of the second semester she just stopped sitting next to us and have lunch with us. Without a single explanation. The only thing she did was sending out a tweet about us, making it look like we betrayed her, simply because the classroom we were at was too small and we could no longer keep a seat for her as she was late. This wasn’t the first time she tweeted about us.

Being the socially awkward person I am, I tweeted about her too. Only one time a few tweets, while she had been doing it for months. After that there was radio silence, until last June, after an exam of two of my friends. It was an oral exam, so they were waiting outside before they could enter. There was this girl who my ex-best friend was now friends with – ironically also the person who said she had an ugly face the year before, but we never told her because we didn’t want to hurt her feelings – who told my friends that we were “ridiculous for excluding her”, “an inaccessible group of friends”, “we judge people based on looks” and “we were childish for calling her out on twitter”. None of that is true, because she walked away from us, we are always open for other people to join us and we would never judge anyone based on looks, because we all have pretty low self-esteem ourselves. It was all bullshit, but that’s exactly what our former friend had been gossiping about us. It made me so pissed, but I eventually decided to not let it get to me, because I wouldn’t have to see her again for about 8 months, as the summer holidays were coming up and I’d be leaving for my Erasmus exchange afterwards. Also, the funny thing is that after a few weeks she was friendly to everyone in our group of friends except to me. She completely ignored me and stopped talking to other people when I walked into the room. I didn’t bother, because I had nothing to say to her anyway. I remained friendly and spoke to her when I had to. Unlike her.

You’d expect that after eight months of not seeing one another, things would have gone back to normal. She had been very friendly to my friends and since we all had time to process things, I expected she’d be friendly to me too. At least I was planning on doing so. I didn’t expect us to be friends again, too much had happened. What I did expect was for us to be able to behave like adults. I’m fairly sure you can already guess what’s about to come.

Flash forward to yesterday. In the four months I ‘ve been back, I have always been friendly to her, saying hello when I entered class and tried to mix in conversations where she was involved. That almost never happened though, because I’m almost always either perfectly on time for class or late. Oops.

Yesterday, on the other hand, I was fifteen minutes early. She was there too, talking to two other girls. It was just us, so I said a friendly hello when I arrived and a little later tried to mix into the conversation. That was a huge fail. After I finished my sentence, she just ignored what I said, didn’t even bother looking at me and literally turned around so I was basically staring at her back. I’m sorry, did I miss something? I thought that now, a year and a half later with a gap of eight months not seeing each other, we could at least act like adults and not exclude one another. I thought that we moved on, and that we had forgiven and forgotten. Well, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I simply don’t understand why she still holds a grudge against me. I don’t see why she can be normal with the others, but not with me and it makes me so freaking angry! Okay, I’ve said and done some terrible things, but so did she! There were other of our friends who said and did horrible things too that were definitely equally bad as mine! Why can she forgive them, but not me?! Is it because we were the closest that she’s having the most trouble in letting things go? I’d love to know! I’d love to know what I’m still doing wrong, so we can finally act like adults when we’re around each other. Or better said that she can finally act like an adult.

This whole situation just makes me so angry! I had moved on, I had let go mostly, but she is definitely not making it easy for me to let go of it completely. I also feel like it is so childish and ridiculous to solely pick on me. It makes me anxious about what she’s telling other people about me. People haven’t exactly been very keen on talking to me. Why can’t she just move on and let go? Like I did? Like we all freaking did?! It’s not that hard, people come and go, it’s the circle of life. Of course I wish it could’ve gone differently, but you can’t change the past. I know I wasn’t exactly a saint, but neither was she. We all made mistakes and she has to stop pinning everything on me and pretending like she didn’t do anything wrong.

Reading over this post now, I realise it makes me look like a child trying to blacken someone’s reputation. I promise, I’m not. I wish I could tell you the whole story, but I just can’t. I don’t want to violate her privacy, my friends’ or mine. Somehow I still care and don’t want people to think bad of her. Even if that makes me look like the bad guy. I’m sorry about this post, but I just needed to write the anger off me. I hope you can forgive me. What do all of you think about this whole situation? What do you think I should do? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

Lots of love,




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